Sentences that should not begin with “Yay”

  1. Yay, I have dysteria.
  2. Yay, the milks gone sour.
  3. Yay, I forgot to DVR Greys Anatomy.
  4. Yay, my brother just eloped with my girlfriend.
  5. Yay. that rhinoceros just damaged my car.
  6. Yay, I put someone else’s name on my perfect score ACT test.
  7. Yay, I burnt the pizza.
  8. Yay, I missed.
  9. Yay, my pants ripped.
  10. Yay, the leprechaun escaped.
  11. Yay, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet.
  12. Yay, I left a no hitter in the first inning.
  13. Yay, I ate a salad.
  14. Yay, I ate two salads.
  15. Yay, I get to get more shots.
  16. Yay, this bedroom is covered in pictures of Edward Cullen.
  17. Yay, I get to work on Christmas.
  18. Yay, my flight was delayed two more hours.
  19. Yay, more bills.
  20. Yay, the global economy has taken another turn for the worst based upon risky investment practices.
  21. Yay, I slipped on the ice.
  22. Yay, someone stole my hubcaps.
  23. Yay, we get to watch the Notebook again tonight.
  24. Yay, my socks are wet.
  25. Yay, traffic on my commute.
  26. Yay, my hard drive just corrupted.
  27. Yay, my stalker ex girlfriend just escaped prison.
  28. Yay, my oxen just died on Oregon Trails.
  29. Yay, I get to go to the dentist and they are out of stickers.
  30. Yay, pretty sure I just accidentally joined a cult.
  31. Yay, someone ate my leftover Stromboli.
  32. Yay, another term paper.
  33. Yay, I’m allergic to cheese.
  34. Yay, a bee sting.
  35. Yay, another chain email that makes me fall asleep looking over my shoulder to see if a mutant clown is going to hunt me down since I didn’t forward the email out to 14 of my friends.
  36. Yay, my sink is overflowing.
  37. Yay, I stubbed my toe.
  38. Yay, someone drew on my face.
  39. Yay, I’m out of toilet paper.
  40. Yay, there is a line for the bathroom.
  41. Yay, this restaurant only serves Vio.
  42. Yay, Joan Cusack is in this.
  43. Yay, they are splitting the last chapter of Twilight into three more feature length films… in 3D.
  44. Yay, they wrote this note in glitter.
  45. Yay, they used salt instead of sugar.
  46. Yay, bear tracks.
  47. Yay, this house doesn’t have any secret passageways.
  48. Yay, laser tag is banned in this state.
  49. Yay, they are having a two for one special on plungers.
  50. Yay, it’s the first Monday of the year.

Can I Get an Exclamation?

Today I made a disastrous error, one that will indefinitely shape the rest of my life. In high school, I had an English teacher that shaped much of what I know about writing and even grammar.  In fact, I would say my style of writing was almost entirely shaped by his discussion on “prepositional phrases,” phrases that is a phrase consisting of a preposition, its object, which is usually a noun or a pronoun, and any modifiers of the object. As well as my disgust for the semi colon… ::insert disgust here::  In one of his many discussions he made an exclamation about exclamation marks.
He had begun his lesson simply enough. A period is the punctuation put at the end of a statement.  In fact, almost every sentence you will right in your life will end in a period. Got it. The period is the 99%. Too soon for a political joke?
A question mark does what? Why it marks a question. Well, now that is just a handy thing to know too. And then came the exclamation mark.
Teacher: “The exclamation mark is the most dramatic punctuation mark you can use. It should only be used in extremely limited circumstances when a simple period cannot express the amount of excitement the statement conveys. In fact, the exclamation mark should be used so rarely you should only use three of them your entire life.”
Today I made a disastrous error, one that will indefinitely shape the rest of my life.  Today I used two of my exclamation marks…
I know right! You are probably perplexed and shocked right now but when the initial denial wears off the only question left is how did I use both in just one short day.  It was not in a worthy statement such as Paul Revere’s “the British are coming [exclamation]”  Although I am fairly certain he said that more than thrice that night and hope he chose the exclamations more wisely than I. I used 2 of my 3 exclamations in a simple email.  “Thanks for your help [exclamation] [exclamation] Have a happy Thanksgiving.” Before I could stop myself the sent button was hit and I had lost 2 of my 3 exclamation marks.  To make matters worse, I used them both on the same irrelevant sentence.  I had not even used them on Thanksgiving but the much lesser sentence before.
Just as Batman knew his cause, I vowed then to only use my last exclamation mark for a worthy sentence.  I decided that I should figure out the phrases that I would be satisfied in using my final exclamation mark with and have narrowed them down to the following is the list I have narrowed it down to:
It’s a boy!
It’s a girl!
It’s a non-gender specific child and we still love you!
I’d like to buy a vowel!
Stop!
I am going to Disney World!
I object!
AHHH (while in a tunnel)!
Someone save that cat (cat can be replaced with any other adorable animal except for monkeys. Except for monkeys)!
Zombies!
Taxi!
Hallellujah!
Amen!
I don’t want your money!
The sky is falling!
Look in the sky!
This song is my jam!
I just want to dance!
There is a snake in my boots!
How about dem Bears!
Adult swim!
Move that bus!
No wire hangers!
Leggo my Eggo!
I said no ketchup on my hotdog!
Dibs!
For freedom!
Open the gate!
Is that a fanny pack!
Justin Bieber!
That PB and J sandwich was awesome!
Those are my thoughts but what about you.  If you only had one exclamation mark left, what would statement would you come up with to use it on?

A Manly Debate: Grease vs Grease 2

Disclaimer:  Despite the title of this post, I have never watched Grease 1 or 2 or even shows like Glee, I actually spend all my time doing manly things like wilderness hunting, building 4 bed/2.5 bathroom houses for under privileged kids, and bench pressing or curling.
Musicals are the quintessential combination of theater, music, and the American dream.  Shows like Smash and Glee on TV are constantly seeking to recapture the allure of the bright lights on the screen with varied success.  These shows idolization of the musical arts is not anything new.  TV Shows like the Partridge Family and even Saved by the Bell have always had musical elements.  Not to mention the number of performances that have been forever etched (and later digitally redesigned once etching was out of style) on the silver screen.
While many people have never heard of incredible shows such as In the Heights that have not yet made their way to a theater near you, one of the most highly recognized and commonly replicated of these music filled stories turned movie turned Broadway and local high school sensation again is the world-wide known Grease.  Whether you have seen the movie, bought tickets to a show, put product in your hair, or made fun of your all too wholesome friend at a sleepover, there is one debate that a simple rendition of “You’re the One that I Want” simply cannot sing away…. Oo- oo- oo.
Grease 1 vs Grease 2.  Just like Pepsi vs Coke everyone has a preference even if they will choke down a couple sips of the lesser version.  If you have never seen one or both movies and have made the wrong choice as to the best previously, here is your quick guide.  Aside from the glaringly obvious differences like Grease 2 having a better story and dreamier actors (Sorry John… not much love from me especially since Max Caldwell defended our nation by winning the battle of Little Round Top in Gettysburg), here are four less obvious reasons why Grease 2 is far superior than its older sibling, the original.
1.  A better soundtrack
Sure, Grease has “Grease Lightning” and “Summer Loving,” and if I needed music to listen to while taking a nap in the library instead of studying, you know exactly which videos I would cue up as I closed my eyes.  Grease 2 has unforgettable hits like “Who’s That Guy” and reminds us of a time when gas was less than a dollar a gallon with “Prowlin’.”   With a song like “Rock-A-Hula-Luau“, how have you not added this soundtrack to your Christmas list yet?
2.  Everything is better when made in the 80s.
Grease was released in 1978 and Grease 2 was released in 1982.  The 80s created the rise of John Cusack, Don’t Stop Believing, and even its own tribute TV show “I love the 80s.”  From the Brat Pack to the birth of Urkel, the 80s knew what it meant to be inspiring, creative, and everlasting well beyond its decade.  While Grease was a fine show, it was made in the 70s. Even though the 70s had ABBA, Grease was born with a predisposition to not be tall enough to play basketball and that is hard to overcome.  Anything born in the 80s is clearly destined to be a hit.  You can quote me on that. –The Messy Chef (1987-present)
3.  Equality
“Oh no he didn’t.”  Yes, yes, I did.  In Grease, Sandra Dee gets the guy by wearing leather pants and dancing with her hips.  Gross.  This movie takes the equality movement right back to the 60s!  Grease 2 despite being set just a few years later is infinitely more progressive.  In Grease 2, Michael gets close to Stephanie not only by riding motorcycles but by tutoring her.  Helping her to educate herself and better herself as a person to achieve her personal dreams.  KudosGrease 2, kudos.
4.  “Cool Rider” vs “Grease Lightning”
Yes, I know that soundtrack already counted as number one, but the song Cool Rider is on another level, a song that when heard just once will forever change the way that you view motorcycles and taking the initiative to go get what you want.  While Grease was a fun story about two kids (NSFW) that fell for each other one summer, broke up, and then decided at the start of the next summer that they should go out again.  Grease 2 is the story of a guy that is good at who he is but realizes that in order to achieve his dreams he must work hard to push himself further.  His motivation is a girl but in wooing that girl, he teaches himself to not only ride a motorcycle but also to rebuild one all while rocking a smooth leather jacket.  Score.  While Grease has that great old American love story, Grease 2 does not lose any aspects of the love story but seeks to capture the entire and real American Dream, perseverance and rebirth.  Besides, motorcycle races are so much more exciting than car races.
Now that I have clearly proven while Grease 2 is better for that next time a stranger challenges you on this topic in an elevator, I am off to eat some raw meat and whittle myself a rocking chair out of a tree I cut down myself.  Do not worry though.  I planted two trees in its place while taking care of the rest of this year’s crop.  Nothing more manly than caring about Mother Nature.   Feel free to continue the debate in comments below; come on “Do It For Our Country!”

Dear Messy Chef… (An Election Recap)

With the election nearly a week past, I think it is important that we as a nation contemplate on where we were on that most fateful night where the most important candidate was selected to take care of a difficult task (Stephanie Kapsis, school board elections.  Thrilling race.  Remember if you did not vote you cannot complain.)  Fortunately for everyone, I live blogged my election night evening.  It is very detailed.  Please enjoy:
7:35 PM Order a pizza
8:05 PM Eat said pizza
8:15 PM Romney wins a state
8: 16 PM Romney wins a state
8:17 PM Romney wins a state
8:50 PM Obama wins a state
9:06 PM Obama wins a state
9:45 PM Mass confusion on math.  Addition is complicated.  1+1= inconclusive so far
10:01 PM Obama wins election
10:02 PM Florida once again pulls a Marcia Brady
Five days later: Obama still wins election
Through the election season, many of the candidates spoke of personal stories.  “I spoke with a hardware store owner in Mississippi…” “After speaking with a single mother of 8, I learned…” “After telling my 26 year old cashier that I would like the paper bags…”  I think in honoring this vein I would like to relay one simple story of a letter that I received in the mail concerning the election.
“Dear Messy Chef…” the letter began. Dated October 31, 2012.  Simple enough.  Friendly, polite, and written in an enjoyable font.  I am betting it was Calibri, size 12.  If the Cowboys are America’s team, Calibri may be America’s font.  In fact, Calibri overtook Times New Roman as the standard font in Microsoft Word in 2007.
Who you vote for is secret.”  A common sentence but the words were on bold.  It was an important statement that they were trying to make.  “But whether you vote is public record.  The records show that you did not vote in 2008!”
Hold up a minute.  I definitely voted in 2008.  Submitted an absentee ballot and mailed it away with pride.  However, I had moved states so maybe they were looking at a different Messy Chef.  I know from walking through people’s kitchens that there are plenty of Messy Chefs.  In any event, I knew that I had planned to vote for this year and continued to read the letter.
“This election is important, and who shows up to vote will decide who represents us in Washington.”  I should have stopped reading at this point.  The word “us” clung to me and I reread the sentence.  Reread it with me now, “This election is important, and who shows up to vote will decide who represents US in Washington.”  What on earth did that mean?
“Below is a chart that shows Asian Americans’ voter turnout in 2008.”
Um…
Only 47% voted in the 2008 Election.  Please remember to vote on November 6, 2012 so that we can improve that percentage of the vote.”

Startling numbers
Startling numbers

While this is an important message and I do hope that WE improved our percentage of Asian voters, I am not sure my vote on Election Tuesday helped change those percentages in any way seeing as I am not Asian, although I do enjoy mochi as much as the next person.  Who can argue with that kind of deliciousness in such the perfect amount of porton?!
Check out the Bling
Rock the Vote bling

“We will be calling some of you after this election so we can thank you for voting.” My phone is fully charged waiting for that conversation. “Let’s hope the public record shows that you were a voter in 2012!”  It should.  I hope it also shows that I am not Asian otherwise my parents have a lot of explaining to do.
Hope you all voted in the election.  No matter whether your candidate won or did not win, we still got a game to go out and play and winning has never been more important. U- S- A! U- S- A! U- S- A! Hmmm… that chant always seemed more momentous when shouted by a stadium full of people than it does typed at the end of an obscure blog… U- S- A!
The notorious letter
The actual letter received!

Knock, Knock

Knock, knock! 
(This is the part where you say who is there)
Who’s there? (Well done)
Boo
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!
 
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Howl
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?
 
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The Messy Chef
The Messy Chef who you may ask?  And then because most people like to ramble on, at least I do, you may go on to say that you had heard your parents speak of a Messy Chef once that dared to celebrate only our nation’s greatest holidays for one month inspiring uncounted millions  (literally no one counted, I just assume that the Messy Chef inspired at least that many people) but then suddenly, without warning, stopped writing to not be heard from for months.  Some claimed he died.  Others claimed he had fallen deeply in love with someone who had graphophobia (the fear of writing) and in order to be with his true love he had vowed to never write another word ever.  There were others still that believed he was not gone at all but just waiting for the right moment to begin to do again the one thing he is probably best at including lighting snow men on fire, learning random phrases in sign language, and rambling about non sense in the hopes that someone out there may laugh on a metro ride in to work one morning all while getting looked at strangely by the people around them because well that random person laughing on the metro.  Yes, I am talking about you.  The Messy Chef who you may ask?
Aren’t you glad I didn’t say banana!… wait, that is not how that one is supposed to end…
 
Anyways, new posts next week!

Why Geeks Get Girls

I was speaking with someone the other day, and I made the assertion that nerds are destined to end up with the popular girls from high school.  Immediately after making the claim, I was challenged to prove it.  The criteria for this challenge was simple.
1) I had to show evidence that proved my statement
2) It had to be real evidence and not random things I found on the internet proving my point which would have been easy since there are countless upon countless upon countless sources of why geeks/nerds are on the rise and should get the girls. (And also some downsides to being so intelligent)
Sure there are countless non scientific reasons for why a nerd or geek (I use them interchangeably although there are clear differences) will end up with the best girls.  For instance, a geek is comfortable with who they are and that confidence is appealing or a nerd has vast ranging interests which are always interesting to learn about.  Nerds are really pretty adorable/attractive if you think about it.  But this article will only focus on the scientific. Without further delay, here is  scientifically why geeks stand the best chance to end up with the girls they have no chance with.  Enjoy.

Growing up, every person heard a very common phrase, “Boys don’t make passes at girls that wear glasses.”  In all reality from birth through high school to the senior citizen home, men do not base their choice in women on the need for assistance in seeing clearly.  In fact, many men buy women alcohol in the hopes that their vision will become greater impaired thus improving the man’s chances of her finding him attractive.  The correct phrase should have been, “Girls don’t make passes at boys that wear glasses.”  Nerds and geeks have always struggled to gain the attention of attractive, popular, and appealing women throughout history.  This struggle has been well documented in media as well as in the day to day examples to which any person can attest.  While the math geeks and Star Wars freaks may struggle to lure the attention of the beauty queens through the formative years, this effort changes drastically in today’s society as women have begun to see the qualities sought after in a mate in the nerds.  While the football stars and baseball short stops may have the upper hand in achieving the best girls up until the early 20s, it is the nerds that win the popular girl in the end.
In high school, some students are “often portrayed as awkward, intelligent, shy, unattractive social outcasts with unfashionable hair and dress styles… They are called ‘nerds,’ ‘dweebs,’ ‘dorks,’ ‘geeks,’ ‘brainiacs,’ and ‘computer jocks’” (Kinney 1993).  These portrayals not only shape the self image of those people that are labeled under these categories but the global perception of them.  Since none of these characteristics are considered desirable in a teenager’s world, many girls have a hard time giving a nerd the time of day unless unavoidable circumstances force them to need the assistance of a nerd.  For instance, a pretty girl may have a math test coming up and she needs assistance studying the multiplication tables.  This is an instance that a nerd would be able to assist her.  Beyond the scope of the assignment though, the nerd does not have a chance with the girl as she is more interested in the allure of the extremely popular, charismatic, independently wealthy student athlete.  While the athletes with their defined jaw lines and winning smiles initially steal the hearts of girls and receive a yes to be their date to the prom, it is the nerd’s that follow the principle of the tortoise by moving slower to the finish line but by being the first to get the yes when down on one knee.
Women look for a number of things in a potential mate.  Peggy La Cerra outlines in her article Why Relationships Are So Difficult that “intense selection pressures honed the neural mechanisms that gave rise to our mating psychology” (La Cerra, 2011).  This is very much like the principles of Darwin.  Because the primary instinct of a species is its own survival, girls have been taught through natural selection the traits needed in a mate to give their off spring the best chance at survival (Darwin, 1936).  Since a woman has high stakes in choosing the correct man, she must select one that has high status, good earning potential, and physical prowess while being emotionally faithful and committed (La Cerra, 2011).
Physical prowess is the least important thing that a girl is looking for in the modern world.  Initially, a strong man was needed to hunt food or to fight off other attacking tribes.  Since today’s man is expected to just be able to pick out the milk at the grocery store with the best expiration date, the need for someone that can hunt and kill is greatly decreased.  Plus while the jocks may have had the nerds beat in terms of lifting or throwing distance or even jump height while young, the athlete’s body’s start to fall apart as they age in to their 30’s.  In 2004, the National Basketball Association reported that the average player age was 27.028 years.  This is because as an athlete’s body ages they are no longer able to do the same incredible feats they could do in their youth. Their body deteriorates with age quicker than a less active person’s body from all of the additional use (Pollock, 1987).  The U.S. Census Bureau reported that the average age for an adult male to be married in 2005 was 27.1 years old with that number steadily increasing consistently since 1960.  Since geeks can now take Zumba classes, run on the tread mill while surfing the web, and partner with personal trainers at every corner fitness establishment, geeks start to catch up to the jocks in their late 20s in terms of physical prowess.
Physical prowess today is being replaced by mental capabilities.  Someone that can think on their feet is almost more valuable than someone that can throw a homemade spear at a boar for dinner.  Since intelligence is now becoming more valuable than abs, studies have shown that girls are leaning towards using IQ as criteria to look for in a guy.  Jason Keagy, a behavioral ecologist at the University of Maryland in College Park, found that, “Males that are better problem-solvers are mating with more females” (Callaway 2009).  Studies were done at Elon University showing women videos of intelligent men versus athletic men.  The women were then asked to describe which men seemed most intelligent.  They were unable to find a clear distinction between the intelligent men and the athletic men.  However when asked which men they found the most attractive, they found the intelligent men the most attractive.  Similar experiments have been conducted using birds leading to the theory that women desire men with intelligence over men with physical prowess.  One of the possible reasons for this is that men with intelligence must have healthy brains and thus are desirable (Callaway 2009).
In today’s society, earning potential and high status can go hand in hand.  While it is possible to achieve high status through other means than earning potential such as being a great athlete, writing an award winning novel, doing something ridiculous on Youtube, or being a Kardashian, the ability to make money is still considered one of the quickest ways to have a high status.  In the novel the Great Gatsby, Gatsby shot to the tops of the socialite lists because of all of his new money.  Nerds have been on to this concept for years.  Movies like Can’t Buy Me Love have portrayed young Nick Cannons and Patrick Dempseys using money to strike a deal with the girl of their dreams who then helps them shoot to the top of the status rankings.  Spoiler alert: it should probably also be mentioned that these nerds also end up with the girl at the end of the movies.  Some athletes to hit the jack pot and make lots of money in professional sports, but as the NCAA boasts every March, many of its athletes go pro in something other than sports.  However once they go pro in something other than sports, it is the nerds that had already been training to go pro in these other areas and are the best primed to shoot to the top of the earning spectrum.  Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg did not make their millions of dollars by hanging out with the cheerleaders on the team bus to the state championship.  Since a nerd is typically better suited to earning money in today’s society because they are accustomed to hard, knowledge based work, they are an optimal pick for providing for a family.
The final aspects that a woman looks for in a man are someone who is emotionally faithful and committed.  Let us all be honest for a minute as who is more committed than someone who is willing to argue for hours about the problems with the original Spiderman movies giving Peter Parker the natural ability to create web instead of having to develop a machine to shoot web for him.  Did they not read or follow the original story at all?  (Peter Parker ended up with Mary Jane too, by the way)  Since nerds have spent much of their whole lives hoping to get a chance with the Amanda Jones (Some Kind of Wonderful) in this world, they are more willing to listen to a girl and be there for her when things get rough.  A nerd is not just looking for a one night hook up even if studies do show that intelligent people find more happiness in physical attraction and sex (Blanchflower, 2004).  A nerd is willing to be there for a person for the long run, just as most fans stuck with Friday Night Lights through that awful third season.  Since they were ostracized in the formative years, they have learned to value the meaningful relationships that are in their lives and are willing to demonstrate that behavior to the head cheerleaders of the world.  Sure, girls like bad boys in their youth, but as they get older, they are looking for that emotional security that can only be found in a nerd.
While there are surely plenty of examples for the opposing sides to this argument, it is clear that nerds and geeks are just as likely to end up with the head cheerleaders and school presidents as the physically fit jocks in the long run.  Mark Prokosch of Elon University found that, “women want the best of both worlds.  Not only a physically attractive man, but somebody in the long term who can provide for them” (Callaway, 2009).  The movie Revenge of the Nerds may have been one of the first cinematic representations of a nerd winning the heart of the beautiful and sweepingly adored popular girl, but more and more representations can be seen on TV (The Big Bang Theory) and in our everyday lives.  Nerds provide that perfect combination of adorable, attractive, and intelligence that makes them a sure fire favorite to win the heart of any girl from their mid twenties onward.  Besides what girl would not want a guy (a geek or a nerd) that when given any chance at all is comfortable enough with who they are to step up to the plate and is unafraid of looking like a fool with even just the slightest hope of a chance with her, their very own Lloyd Dobler standing outside their window holding a boom box over his head.  Just think.  If you were Diane Court, would you honestly fall for Lloyd?  The correct answer is yea.
*** If you have never seen Say Anything, click here for the full feature film.***

 Work Cited

Blanchflower, David G., and Andrew J. Oswald. “Money, Sex and Happiness: An Empirical Study.” Scandinavian Journal of Economics 106.3 (2004): 393-415. Print.
Callaway, Ewen. “Why Geeks Get the Girls.” New Scientist. 19 Aug. 2009. Web. 30 Mar. 2012. <http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17640-why-geeks-get-the-girls.html>.
Darwin, Charles. The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection: Or the Preservation of Favored Races in the Struggle for Life[,] and The Descent of Man and Selection in Relation to Sex. New York: Modern Library, 1936. Print.
Kinney, David A. “From Nerds to Normals: The Recovery of Identity among Adolescents from Middle School to High School.” Sociology of Education 66.1 (1993): 21-40. Print.
La Cerra, Peggy. “Why Relationships Are So Difficult” The Free Library 01 July 2011. 29 March 2012 <http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Why Relationships Are So Difficult.-a0266781012>.
Pollock, M. L. “Effect of Age and Training on Aerobic Capacity and Body Composition of Master Athletes.” Journal of Applied Physiology 62.2 (1987): 725-31. Print.
US CENSUS BUREAU. “Marrying Age in the United States.” Www.npr/org. Web. 29 Mar. 2012.

And we’re back!!!

And we’re back…. first an apology.  I had a rough week and knew that posting on the blog each day would not have been in the best interests of the integrity of the blog or in the enjoyment of the reader.  Today is officially March 30th and while I enjoyed the month of celebrations (while admittedly missing a few towards the end), I realized that my blog could not be so easily summed up as a “Celebration of Celebrations” blog.  I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  Just as a chef is able to be given the same three ingredients and dependent on their mood and their inspiration make vastly crazy yet delicious dishes.  I want my blog to have the same three ingredients that have made it enjoyable for different peopel: the links, the written word, and of course the videos.  If you stick with me over the coming weeks, I intend to celebrate more holidays of the months, touch on some special interest topics, go on some adventures, post some feature length short films, some creative projects and maybe even have some input from everyone out there for posts.  I cannot promise a post every day, but I can promise that the posts I do create will be thoughtful, enjoyable, and heavily laden with the sarcasm you know and love.
So buckle up because you never know when the mEssy Chef might stop by a kitchen, a computer, or a smart phone near you.

Old is the new Young

A man was walking along a road trying to find his way in Greece when suddenly he was accosted a great wind caused by the angered wings of a creature so strong and powerful that moving any step further forward was impossible. The man was face to face with the Spinx, and as he stared deep in to the pair of intelligent eyes looking back at him, he knew that he only had one chance to survive.  Legend has it the Sphinx would sit outside Thebes and ask a riddle of everyone that passed by.  If they answered correctly, the Sphinx would kill itself allowing the traveler to pass.  To answer incorrectly meant death.  As the man, Oedipus, looked deep in to the Sphinx’s very alive eyes, he knew that no man that had ever lived this five minutes of his life had ever seen the next five minutes after this moment.  Without moving its lips, the Sphinx would ask the question, a riddle that had unhinged countless travelers before.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?
Only then did Oedipus smile because he knew the answer.  With a subtle nod of his head, he announced “a man.”  The Sphinx reeled as though shot through the heart with an arrow and was destroyed.  The answer to so many of life’s questions including which gender are the better drivers is men (That’s right.  I am calling it haha).  The creature with four legs in the morning is a baby, two legs is a grown up standing on their own two feet, and once night falls an elderly man takes a cane to continue walking.  The riddle outlines the life of a man.  To all of the people reading my blog, happy As Young As You Feel Day.
I feel pretty old today because I enjoy cranberry juice, mid day dinner specials, and watching a little late night Jeopardy before falling asleep in my recliner.  As a result, I will keep this post short since I only type with one finger, as an old person would and may have even fallen asleep by 9PM.  I am too forgetful to remember.  Oh, and you  may notice the lack of links.  I figured someone who was really old… like 125 may not even know what links are.  In honor of them, I have included none today.  Hopefully I will feel younger tomorrow.
The moment I knew I was getting old was when I could no longer eat 32 pieces of pizza at an all you can eat pizza buffet and still be ready to eat again in an hour.  I could probably still knock back 32 pieces but I would be in a bit of pain for a couple hours after.  Besides, now that I am older and more mature, I would probably rather save some of those pieces for breakfast the next day.  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
I have done a lot of research and have found ten sure fire ways to feel younger at any age. Check them out below:
1.
Oops, I was too busy goofing off and ran out of time to write them all out.  Next time.  In honor of National Goof Off Day, I took one additional ten minute break today at work.  I am quite the goof off I know.  It was a national holiday.  What else could I do?!?! And I certainly did not make up for it by working a little extra on another day.  That would be silly talk.
Now if you ever face a Sphinx while walking along the street, you will survive to see another day because even you know the answer to the riddle.

Friends, Countrymen, Lend Me Your French Bread

If you have ever read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you know a couple things about the world around us that the normal person does not.  (Spoiler alerts)  The Earth is a giant computer calculating the meaning of life.  Mice are extraordinarily smart and truly the master minds of everything.  Dolphins can now only hit a ball with their nose but fly into outer space right before Earth is destroyed.  A towel is the most useful tool in the universe.  While most of these assertions may be completely accurate, I would like to make the argument that a good French bread is much more useful than a towel until it goes moldy of course.
While this may count as playing with your food, French bread is a delicious type of bread that is hard on the outside but soft on the inside.  Yes, you may insert your “That’s what she said” jokes here.  If your are traveling across the universe as you would have been in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a good piece of French bread could help you stay alive because you could actually eat it.  Secondly if it is long enough, you could use it as a walking stick.  Think of how much more comfortable it will be to walk around your space shuttle with your very own walking stick.  If you have a bag for all of your belongings, you could put it on the French bread and carry it over your shoulder!  But wait, there is more that you can do with French bread.  If you get attacked by intergalactic pirates, the French bread can be used to sword fight them.  I am pretty sure that George Lucas was considering using French bread in the original Star Wars because he thought that it would be more believable than Light Sabers.
The French bread could be used to catch fish.  Just sharpen one end and practice spearing the fish right in the water.  It is bread though so make sure you get it right on the first or second try before it gets soggy.  French bread could be used as a softball or baseball bat thus encouraging the ideas of team and helping you have a fun time.  You could hollow out the French bread and use the inside space as a make shift sort of wallet.  If your leg breaks, you can splint it using your French bread (NSFW).  If you have to zipline, you can throw the French bread over the wire to slide along.
French bread is actually a little tricky to make.  Did you know that you have to add water to your to your oven to keep it humid enough to cook the bread?  Crazy, right?  But I would make the argument that even with it being tricky to make, it is a lot easier than learning how to make a spare towel if you lose your first one.  For all of these reasons and I am sure a couple more, French bread is much more useful than a towel. Take that Douglas Adams! (He was the writer of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
I really wish these holidays would stop tricking me with cool names and then end up being about slightly less exciting things.  When I found out today was kick butt’s day, I started researching craw mcgraw classes and cued up my favorite Ninja Assassin scenes.  You can imagine my dismay when I realized this holiday was actually about quitting smoking and encouraging other people to smoke.  I myself do not smoke and since most of my time during the week is either stuck in my office or riding a train where smoking is not permitted, I did not even have the chance to fake cough while standing awkwardly close to a smoker.  (Been there, done that)  So because as messy chef I feel like I should do some education on ingredients.  Here are five ingredients that you would need to make your own cigarettes.

  1. 6-Acetoxydihydrotheaspirane
  2. Allspice Extract, Oleoresin And Oil (If you ever run out of deodorant, try rubbing a cigarette under your arm…)
  3. Corn Oil (Corn truly is in everything we eat!)
  4. Farnesol
  5. Death

If you really want to be a cool parent, I read somewhere that it is not illegal everywhere for your kids to smoke but to buy.  When picking up some healthy snacks for them, why not also pick them up a pack?  The nicotine hits their brain just ten seconds after they inhale and what quicker way is there than that to show them you love them?  Cigarettes are made up of 20% sugar.  If you are on a diet, stopping smoking could cut out that much sugar from your intake.  As a result of all of this, I issue a challenge to you.  Currently, cigarettes are the most traded thing on the planet.  Over the next year, I say we all take the time to make something else more traded.  Unless anyone else has a better suggestion, I think we spend the next 365 days making frozen pizza the most traded thing on the planet.  Together, we can kick some butts!
Fun Fact: March 21 was also memory day.  Studies have shown that eating blueberries can increase your memory.  Try throwing some frozen ones in your fridge and eating them like miniature frozen pops!

Snowman Burning Day!!!

We didn’t start the fire… Frosty the Snowman did, and it is time to hold him and his magical top hat responsible.

SNOWMAN BURNING DAY!!!

First an apology.  There have been problems at my building with my internet (and cable connection) and this has caused me to miss two blog posts.  As an offering for missing Wyatt Earp‘s Birthday, let me entertain you with this haiku I have written.  In case you did not know, a haiku is a three line Japanese poem that has 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, and 5 in the third line.  I am sure there are other rules, but I am lazy and intend completely and blatantly ignore the rest of them.

Wyatt Earp you rock

The west was won by you

Let’s hang out some time

If you enjoyed that poem, buckle up because one of these days, I may go full English major on you and drop some iambic pentameter on this hood.

Today is one of those days that should break the writer’s block of even Shakespeare who has not written anything in quite a long time… There are so many crazy holidays that fall on March 20th it might even be the zaniest day of the month.  It is Alien Abduction Day, National Proposal Day, National Meat Out Day, Snowman Burning Day, Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day, and it is a Tuesday.  Talk about crazy.  Let’s spend a few minutes looking at each of these holidays in no particular order.

Alien Abduction Day

The day I understood what the television show title Third Rock from the Sun meant was the day that I finally felt I had arrived at adulthood.  In case you were wondering, the show title means Earth since we are the third planet from the sun.  What does this have to do with alien abductions?  Absolutely nothing.  I have decided not to celebrate this holiday because if I ever run for political office I feel like celebrating a holiday on illegal alien abduction may be used against me.
In case you do not aspire to political office and decided to cast your eyes to the falling skies, I will not leave you hanging as there are plenty of examples of ways to celebrate your very own alien abduction.  If my blog has gone universal, I would like to also take this time to tell the aliens that I am a very boring test subject, and there are a lot better humans to investigate if they are ever in my neighborhood even if I do seem attractive on paper.
National Proposal Day
Do you ever wonder if prospective grooms (and I guess prospective brides these days) consider wearing knee pads when they drop down to one knee?  A little comfort can go a long way.  Why do people drop to one knee for a proposal of marriage?  I did some research and like the plural of Platypus there is no set answer.  Some say it heralds back to the positioning that knights would take when accepting a gift.  Others say it is because it places you at the complete mercy of the person you are in front of placing your vulnerable heart and life in their hands.  One source said it was so that the ring properly blings in the light.  Of course if they knew my salary, they would need to add more light, lots more light, to get the proper bling.  Is bling even a verb?  Here are my five tips for a successful proposal.
  1. If the proposal is supposed to be a surprise, you probably should not tag your prospective spouse in the Facebook status.  “About to pop the big question – with Kate BeckinsaleAlso, I would recommend not tagging yourself in at Jared’s on Foursquare.  This things have a way of getting around.
  2. If you ask the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage, make sure you get her name right.
  3. If you do decide to do a proposal on the beach, make sure you time high tide correctly.
  4. While you can sometimes forget your wallet when going out on a date, this is probably not a good time to also forget the ring.
  5. Don’t mention the tax write off benefits as the first reason you want to get married.  (Although if anyone is interested, it is a pretty nice write off)
And here are four proposal videos.  One of this would have totally been me if this guy had not beaten me to it first.  Comment if you can guess which one.  (Also in order to save my man card, one of these four proposal videos is actually of a monster truck.  Man Card Saved)
National Meat Out Day
This is actually a holiday that tries to convince people to give up meat and switch to a lifestyle of purely vegetables, fruits, and grains.  I tried to celebrate this holiday.  For breakfast all I had was a blueberry donut, but by the time lunch came around, I accidentally ate chicken in my Chicken Alfredo frozen meal.  How was I supposed to know it had chicken?  I guess Meat Out Day was not for me this time.  I will try again next year.
Won’t You Be My Neighbor
This holiday is to celebrate the one and only Mr. Rogers on the day of his birth.  The website Fredrogers.org has a lot of pictures of great neighbor candidates but they also suggest many ways to celebrate this holiday.

  •  Smile – check
  •  Plant a tree – Bonsai tree check
  •  Say “Thank You” – Thanks for reading my blog today
  •  Sort and recycle glass, newspapers, plastic and cardboard  – I would have sorted through them all but they are already conveniently stored in the trash can together for safe keeping.
  •  Give the gift of laughter: clip cartoons, share funny stories – See blog
  •  Offer to take the shopping cart back for someone loading his or her car – You may even be able to sneak a couple oreos out of their bags when they aren’t looking.
  •  Shop with reusable bags – I do not know why my neighbors care what type of bags I use but okay
  •  Make a donation to your favorite non-profit – The make sure I still eat dinner fund is my favorite non-profit for the day
  •  Save throw-aways (egg cartons, ribbons, etc.) for art projects – Now I have an excuse for why my apartment is always kind of messy #mEssyChef
  •  Share a hug – Any takers?
  •  Be a good friend by just listening – You are more than welcome to share in the comments.  I will listen… whether I read them or not is another story.
  •  Reuse cardboard boxes to store toys and supplies – Where else would I keep my plastic army men collection?
  •  Volunteer at a senior center – Does working in HR count?
  •  Pay someone a compliment – You, yes you, look great today
  •  Visit your local library for story time, crafts, songs and games – Who knew playing solitaire in a public place could make me so many friends.
The site also recommended wearing a sweater in honor of him.  This is a record setting March in terms of temperature so I think I will leave the sweaters in the closet.
Tuesday
This is the third day of the week and normally falls after Monday.  They serve Chili in the cafeteria.  Go Tuesday!
SNOWMAN BURNING DAY
The much awaited moment is here.  Snowman Burning Day!  A holiday that is meant to wave goodbye to winter and welcome spring.  Since spring did not realize that Snowman Burning Day was not until the 20th and showed up around February 1st, I had to improvise a little bit on my own celebration.  I also got to thinking… What inspired people to light a snowman on fire?  Sure, it would cause it to melt and I guess this could be symbolic of ushering in spring.  But really it was at though mobs of people were attacking snowmen and lighting them on fire.  What could a snowman have done to incite such brutal attacks?
Things a Snowman Could Have Done To Incite A Riot
              1. Tracked water in to the house
              2. Had its eyes placed so that he constantly looked at your girlfriend funny
              3. Did not show up to your birthday party… in August… in Texas
              4. Left a ring around the bathtub
              5. Was not a jolly, happy soul
              6. Practiced witch craft.  Think about it… a snowman’s arms would float as they are made of wood, I have never heard one say the Lord’s prayer, and if you have a dog nearby, it could have spots all over!
              7. He was screen looking the last time the two of you played Halo
Whatever a snowman did to start the riot, once a riot starts a snowman is pretty defenseless and most do end up lit on fire.  In honor of the holiday, I too lit a snowman on fire.  There is no way to describe it other than to click below and enjoy!  Woooooo!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBi6ofa0uQ4&feature=youtu.be]