Do TUMs handle a poison apple as well as any “True Love’s” kiss?

Just one year left until next year’s Witch Hysteria Day.  How did everyone celebrate their Witch Hysteria Day?  Thanks again to G for taking my late shift so I could get out of work early to celebrate before the sun set.

I bet you are all wondering how I decided to spend my Witch Hysteria Day.  I attempted to accuse my neighbor’s of being witches but then I realized I would have to actually talk to my neighbors.  That would have been an awful lot of work.   While I then considered reading Macbeth(or the Scottish Play if you are currently standing in a theater) because the play made the famous lines “Double Double Toil and Trouble” famous or going to a toy store and shaking as many Magic Eight Balls as I could find, I knew that simply reading or watching or even meditating on an idea would not have been the right way for me to  celebrate the special occasion.

In Salem, once someone was accused as a witch they had a number of “scientific” ways to tell if that person was a witch.  There were three major tests they would perform.  I decided to put my own spin on their three investigative strategies

  • Way Number One: The Spotted Man

First, they would seize the person and strip them down.  They would investigate their body for “mysterious” marks.  If they found any, they would assume that these were the mark of the devil.  I tried to find an angry mob on Craigslist to do the investigation but since I could not find one, a video camera would have to do.  Here is my attempt to find any devilish marks on me.

They do say the camera adds a couple of pounds… well…um… at least there were not any spots.  Trial number one a success!  So far I am not a witch!

  • Way Number Two: Floating

The second way that a witch could be tested was my tying their hands behind their back and dropping them in to a large body of water. (To see other fun things to do with water check out this guy’s video.  I know he is sure to be a lot of fun at a party especially if he is doing this wild thing all night) If a person sunk to the bottom of the water, then they were not a witch.  If they rose to the top, then they were deemed a witch and instantly killed.  Sounds a lot like a Kobayashi Maru for you Star Trek fans.  With the weather being so nice yesterday, I decided that the Potomac was not a bad choice to test this theory.  But I could not get the camera equipment set up just right, so I set it up in my apartment.

Well… I think that test was not done exactly correct and the results were kind of in the middle between floating and not floating… we will call it inconclusive.  Still looking great for me on the witch check list.

  • Way Number Three: Reciting the Lord’s Prayer

The final way that a witch could be tested would be to have the person recite the Lord’s Prayer from start to finish without messing up.  The theory was that a person with the devil in them could not say the entire prayer without messing up.  The holy words would not come out correctly.  When I read this theory, I wondered how they accounted for differences in versions.  If the victim started reciting the New Translation Bible version of the Lord’s Prayer instead of the King James version would they be deemed a witch?  I grew up on the NIV myself.  While I considered doing the actual Lord’s Prayer which I can recite pretty easily from memory, I realize that I did not even want to tempt the big guy and say the prayer for a jest.  Instead, I decided to recite the next closest thing that I could think of to the Lord’s Prayer.  Below you will see me reciting the “Wingman’s Oath” from the Urban Dictionary translation.  Typically you would say the oath with a copy of the Bro Code under your right hand and hopefully with a friend with as much game as Barney Stinson sitting across from you.  Maybe if you are lucky, he will even give you a personal reading of the Bro Code.  Do not worry.  The word’s will be on the screen for anyone that wants to recite this sacred oath with me.

Piece of cake.  Looks like I am pretty safe from being called a witch.  I think my tests were about as scientific as Salem’s and a lot more conclusive.

Now that Witch Hysteria Day is over, time to get ready for Dr Seuss and Read Across the America Day!

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