On March 13th, people all across the world pulled out their umbrellas in their apartments, classrooms, homes, offices, portable bathrooms and did the unthinkable… they opened them. I have not owned an umbrella for over a year which has caused me to show up to any number of places dripping wet- restaurants, concerts, movies, the office, grocery stores, portable bathrooms. I used to have to duck and hide close to buildings hoping that the builders had made the sides slightly sloped to catch some of the rain before it reached me. After a year of attempting to dodge rain drops when outdoors, I decided it was time, in honor of the holiday, to buy an umbrella. It was a very cute, compact, and efficient umbrella. I should warn you now…. I did not open it.
NOOOOOO! How could I vow to celebrate the holidays and then not open an umbrella?!? How can any of you trust me again to celebrate another holiday truthfully, honestly, and with a bit of flare if I would not celebrate such a simple holiday, a holiday that is so simple the very name of the holiday tells you what you are supposed to do??? I celebrate Christmas and the Fourth of July without fail and their titles tell you nothing about the holidays. So I know that I have a number of celebration of holiday crimes to answer for and I am now ready to face my jury. Please here my defense. Why did I refuse to simple open an umbrella that I purchased and am looking at right now?
- The bad luck that goes with it. Maybe this is enough to win many of you over to my cause and I will not even need any more reasons. Just days prior my lucky bamboo had died and I had crossed a bad cat. One of my mirrors fell off the wall. Being a sport’s fan, there is a bit of superstition that always kind of follows you, whether it is wearing a jersey for each game or not saying that there is a perfect game going on during a perfect game. I would not consider myself a lucky person to begin with but with all of the other bad omen signs stacking up against me, I decided not to open an umbrella and add another one. Maybe bad luck is like those penny machines at arcades where you shoot pennies on to stacks of pennies. Most of the time nothing happens but if you toss that penny on to the perfect spot hundreds of pennies collapse in to the bottom of the machine. I did not want thousands of bad luck pennies to fall to the bottom of the machine after opening my cute, compact, and efficient umbrella.
- Gene Kelly has already done everything with an umbrella that I could have ever dreamed to do with one. No, this is not a dirty innuendo. In case you do not know, Gene Kelly danced through the streets with an umbrella after a beautiful evening with a woman while crooning the iconic “Singing in the Rain.” Even though I consider myself to be on the same level of heart throb as Gene Kelly, I knew that there was very little I could do to recreate or compare to his inspiring and memorable tap dance with an umbrella. I mean if Glee tried it and failed, how could I hope to do any better? I do not have the choreographers, back up band, or number of vests that they are able to produce!
- I typically dislike Rihanna and she was caught standing underneath an umbrella…ella…ella
- I did not want to become a super villain. I did some research and so many super villains choose the umbrella as their symbol of evil that I did not want to risk joining their ranks. Consider the facts. The Penguin used umbrellas to battle Batman. Equipped with little else, this rain blocker was enough to block the Dark Knight from protecting his city from the evil of the Penguin. In the “Resident Evil” series, the entire organization that turns the world in to mutated zombies named themselves the Umbrella Corporation. I know we do not live in Racoon City but I am pretty sure that this proves that their is some correlation with umbrellas and pure evil.
- I just did not want to. Deal with it.
Would you have opened an umbrella indoors?