Friends, Countrymen, Lend Me Your French Bread

If you have ever read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you know a couple things about the world around us that the normal person does not.  (Spoiler alerts)  The Earth is a giant computer calculating the meaning of life.  Mice are extraordinarily smart and truly the master minds of everything.  Dolphins can now only hit a ball with their nose but fly into outer space right before Earth is destroyed.  A towel is the most useful tool in the universe.  While most of these assertions may be completely accurate, I would like to make the argument that a good French bread is much more useful than a towel until it goes moldy of course.

While this may count as playing with your food, French bread is a delicious type of bread that is hard on the outside but soft on the inside.  Yes, you may insert your “That’s what she said” jokes here.  If your are traveling across the universe as you would have been in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a good piece of French bread could help you stay alive because you could actually eat it.  Secondly if it is long enough, you could use it as a walking stick.  Think of how much more comfortable it will be to walk around your space shuttle with your very own walking stick.  If you have a bag for all of your belongings, you could put it on the French bread and carry it over your shoulder!  But wait, there is more that you can do with French bread.  If you get attacked by intergalactic pirates, the French bread can be used to sword fight them.  I am pretty sure that George Lucas was considering using French bread in the original Star Wars because he thought that it would be more believable than Light Sabers.

The French bread could be used to catch fish.  Just sharpen one end and practice spearing the fish right in the water.  It is bread though so make sure you get it right on the first or second try before it gets soggy.  French bread could be used as a softball or baseball bat thus encouraging the ideas of team and helping you have a fun time.  You could hollow out the French bread and use the inside space as a make shift sort of wallet.  If your leg breaks, you can splint it using your French bread (NSFW).  If you have to zipline, you can throw the French bread over the wire to slide along.

French bread is actually a little tricky to make.  Did you know that you have to add water to your to your oven to keep it humid enough to cook the bread?  Crazy, right?  But I would make the argument that even with it being tricky to make, it is a lot easier than learning how to make a spare towel if you lose your first one.  For all of these reasons and I am sure a couple more, French bread is much more useful than a towel. Take that Douglas Adams! (He was the writer of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

I really wish these holidays would stop tricking me with cool names and then end up being about slightly less exciting things.  When I found out today was kick butt’s day, I started researching craw mcgraw classes and cued up my favorite Ninja Assassin scenes.  You can imagine my dismay when I realized this holiday was actually about quitting smoking and encouraging other people to smoke.  I myself do not smoke and since most of my time during the week is either stuck in my office or riding a train where smoking is not permitted, I did not even have the chance to fake cough while standing awkwardly close to a smoker.  (Been there, done that)  So because as messy chef I feel like I should do some education on ingredients.  Here are five ingredients that you would need to make your own cigarettes.

  1. 6-Acetoxydihydrotheaspirane
  2. Allspice Extract, Oleoresin And Oil (If you ever run out of deodorant, try rubbing a cigarette under your arm…)
  3. Corn Oil (Corn truly is in everything we eat!)
  4. Farnesol
  5. Death

If you really want to be a cool parent, I read somewhere that it is not illegal everywhere for your kids to smoke but to buy.  When picking up some healthy snacks for them, why not also pick them up a pack?  The nicotine hits their brain just ten seconds after they inhale and what quicker way is there than that to show them you love them?  Cigarettes are made up of 20% sugar.  If you are on a diet, stopping smoking could cut out that much sugar from your intake.  As a result of all of this, I issue a challenge to you.  Currently, cigarettes are the most traded thing on the planet.  Over the next year, I say we all take the time to make something else more traded.  Unless anyone else has a better suggestion, I think we spend the next 365 days making frozen pizza the most traded thing on the planet.  Together, we can kick some butts!

Fun Fact: March 21 was also memory day.  Studies have shown that eating blueberries can increase your memory.  Try throwing some frozen ones in your fridge and eating them like miniature frozen pops!

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